Land of Nod
Simon Hoggart writing in The Guardian the other day - had an amusing little sketch about Ed Miliband's speech to delegates at the TUC conference in London.
Not many readers will necessarily remember Peter Cook as EL Wisty - but Simon Hoggart has got that comparison spot on.
Many of the delegates will have been 'over tired' from the previous evening's free bash - which I imagine was at the expense of the TUC general council.
So Ed shouldn't take it to heart that most of them were half asleep - that's par for the course.
To the land of Nod, led by Ed Miliband
The Labour leader's TUC conference speech had elements of bravery but his delivery, as ever, induced a dozy response
It wasn't a bad speech Ed Miliband made at the TUC conference. It read rather well. Some talented writer had put in a few nifty lines. But it didn't half fall flat. The TUC gig is always the worst for Labour leaders. The audience seems bored, cynical and resentful. Much of the scant applause made a noise like an empty crisp packet blowing across a playground. When he mentioned Bombardier, the railway firm in Derby "cruelly sold down the river by this government", clapping rose to the sound of discarded burger boxes being kicked down the street.
But when he actually asked them to clap the dinner ladies who had used their union to get their rights: "Let us applaud them for what they have achieved!", the brothers and sisters sat silent and morose. When he denounced the scandal of "closed circle" of remuneration committees awarding each other vast bonuses, this obvious clap line was simply ignored.
Mind you, nothing in the outside world ruffles their composure. I recall 10 years ago when Tony Blair binned his speech to the TUC straight after the attack on the Twin Towers – he came out with the "shoulder to shoulder" line – they yawned, stretched and went straight into a debate on equality in the workplace. When the magma under Yellowstone goes up, threatening all life on the planet, they will continue a debate on training opportunities for the over-50s.
And it didn't help that Ed is not a great speaker. His voice is less adenoidal than it was, but it's not much more hypnotic than Peter Cook as EL Wisty.
He does wave his arms a lot. When he mentioned "fiscal services" he spread them wide, as if welcoming the prodigal son back home. Sometimes he chops the air, at random intervals.
There is the strange matter of his mouth, which appears to open only on the righthand side. It makes an O-shape, while the left remains a narrow slit. My theory is that, like everyone else, he couldn't find an NHS dentist. The chap he went to privately said he could give him a lovely set of gnashers for just £4,000 – but forgot to mention that was for only half the mouth. He should write a best-selling book, Brothers in Arms perhaps, so he can afford to have the rest done.
The speech was, in a downbeat sort of way, quite brave. He said that pension strikes had been a "mistake". Someone at the back emitted a half-hearted "Shame!" Perhaps it was the same person who woke up when he praised the Hutton report on public sector pensions.
He took questions, all of which were much better received than the speech, or, indeed, his answers. One woman wanted the free schools to be "returned to the local authority family", ie being given back to the bureaucrats. He launched into praise for a local academy which had "made a big difference to kids in my constituency!" There was grumbling, as if all their tummies had decided it was lunchtime.
But soon he was leading us back to Morpheus. Someone asked about renationalising the trains. "You have my absolute assurance that we will engage constructively about this," he said, and everyone engaged soporifically by going back to sleep.
Not many readers will necessarily remember Peter Cook as EL Wisty - but Simon Hoggart has got that comparison spot on.
Many of the delegates will have been 'over tired' from the previous evening's free bash - which I imagine was at the expense of the TUC general council.
So Ed shouldn't take it to heart that most of them were half asleep - that's par for the course.
To the land of Nod, led by Ed Miliband
The Labour leader's TUC conference speech had elements of bravery but his delivery, as ever, induced a dozy response
It wasn't a bad speech Ed Miliband made at the TUC conference. It read rather well. Some talented writer had put in a few nifty lines. But it didn't half fall flat. The TUC gig is always the worst for Labour leaders. The audience seems bored, cynical and resentful. Much of the scant applause made a noise like an empty crisp packet blowing across a playground. When he mentioned Bombardier, the railway firm in Derby "cruelly sold down the river by this government", clapping rose to the sound of discarded burger boxes being kicked down the street.
But when he actually asked them to clap the dinner ladies who had used their union to get their rights: "Let us applaud them for what they have achieved!", the brothers and sisters sat silent and morose. When he denounced the scandal of "closed circle" of remuneration committees awarding each other vast bonuses, this obvious clap line was simply ignored.
Mind you, nothing in the outside world ruffles their composure. I recall 10 years ago when Tony Blair binned his speech to the TUC straight after the attack on the Twin Towers – he came out with the "shoulder to shoulder" line – they yawned, stretched and went straight into a debate on equality in the workplace. When the magma under Yellowstone goes up, threatening all life on the planet, they will continue a debate on training opportunities for the over-50s.
And it didn't help that Ed is not a great speaker. His voice is less adenoidal than it was, but it's not much more hypnotic than Peter Cook as EL Wisty.
He does wave his arms a lot. When he mentioned "fiscal services" he spread them wide, as if welcoming the prodigal son back home. Sometimes he chops the air, at random intervals.
There is the strange matter of his mouth, which appears to open only on the righthand side. It makes an O-shape, while the left remains a narrow slit. My theory is that, like everyone else, he couldn't find an NHS dentist. The chap he went to privately said he could give him a lovely set of gnashers for just £4,000 – but forgot to mention that was for only half the mouth. He should write a best-selling book, Brothers in Arms perhaps, so he can afford to have the rest done.
The speech was, in a downbeat sort of way, quite brave. He said that pension strikes had been a "mistake". Someone at the back emitted a half-hearted "Shame!" Perhaps it was the same person who woke up when he praised the Hutton report on public sector pensions.
He took questions, all of which were much better received than the speech, or, indeed, his answers. One woman wanted the free schools to be "returned to the local authority family", ie being given back to the bureaucrats. He launched into praise for a local academy which had "made a big difference to kids in my constituency!" There was grumbling, as if all their tummies had decided it was lunchtime.
But soon he was leading us back to Morpheus. Someone asked about renationalising the trains. "You have my absolute assurance that we will engage constructively about this," he said, and everyone engaged soporifically by going back to sleep.
