Shut It, You Slag!
The Telegraph's sketch writer made me laugh with his spoof script about Ed Miliband getting down and dirty with 'ordinary' Londoners in Albert Square.
Now I never watch the programme either, but I do like the Ed Miliband writing style which is punchy, peppered with 'important' points and punctuated with dollops of cod philosophy.
Phil Mitchell played by Adrian Mole written by Ed Miliband - a sure fire hit if you ask me.
Ed Miliband’s at ’ome in EastEnders’ Albert Square
The Labour leader showed he's got street cred when he talked to EastEnders' actor Danny Dyer. So the producers offered him a script...
The new geezer on the Miliband team: Mick (Danny Dyer, centre) Photo: BBC
By Michael Deacon - The Telegraph
Ed Miliband has revealed that he’s a big fan of EastEnders. Not that he ever watches it, obviously: “I don’t have time,” he confessed to its star, Danny Dyer, when the two men met at a party this week. But he has, he added, “been doing a lot of research about it online”. He proved this to Mr Dyer by informing him that the character of Martin Fowler has been played by three different actors, while the character of Ben Mitchell has been played by five.
EastEnders producers were impressed – so much so that I can exclusively report they’ve commissioned the Labour leader to guest-write an episode. Insiders say Mr Miliband has effortlessly captured the flavour of the soap’s dialogue.
An extract from his script is published below.
THE QUEEN VIC
LINDA CARTER is behind the bar. Enter PHIL MITCHELL.
LINDA: All right, Phil, what can I get you?
PHIL: Now, look. What I would say to you is this. There isn’t a simple answer to that issue. But I do want to make this point, because it’s an incredibly important point for the everyday working people of Albert Square. And the point is this. I would like a pint of lager, please.
LINDA: You all right, Phil?
PHIL: Let’s be very clear about this, Linda, because I know the everyday working people of Albert Square will want an answer to that question. The reality is this. I caught some geezer in bed with the missus.
LINDA: You what? Some geezer in bed with Sharon? What did you do to ’im?
PHIL: Linda, I want to be honest with you, because when I talk to ordinary families up and down Walford I get a very deep sense that they’ve had enough of this Tory-led Government’s lies about geezers in bed with the missus. So what I said to the geezer was this. I said: “Now, look, geezer. Let’s be very clear about this. I’ve got to say to you: 'Sling your hook.’ And I make no apology for that. Because I think that’s the right thing to do.”
LINDA: What did Sharon say?
PHIL: Linda, if what you’re asking me is, “What did Sharon say?”, then I can answer that very directly. She said to me, “Phil!” But I’m afraid I had to stop her there, because I wanted to make an incredibly important point.
LINDA: What?
PHIL: Linda, the point I made to her was this. It was: “Look, Sharon. I’ll come to the detail of this in a minute. But first of all I want to respectfully ask you to shut it, you slag.” And I think she understood the point I was making, because in Albert Square today there is a huge issue around slags needing to shut it. Under this Tory-led Government, the number of slags needing to shut it has risen by over 63 per cent. And I think David Cameron has to start listening to what ordinary families are telling us. Because what ordinary families are telling us is that they want you to shut it, you slag.
Enter MICK CARTER.
MICK: ’Ere! Phil! Did you just call me a slag and tell me to shut it?
PHIL: Look, Mick, the way I see it is this. I don’t think we should shy away from saying that you are a slag and telling you to shut it. But what I would also say to you is this. Leave it, you tart.
MICK: Right. Outside. Now.
PHIL: Mick, I think the very real challenge for this country over the course of the next five minutes is to punch your lights out. And that challenge is profoundly oriented towards need. You slag.
Credits...
