Dans le Shreddeur
John Crace made me laugh put loud with his column in The Guardian in which he lampooned a recent meeting between the terribly self-important Keith Vaz (and the House of Commons Home Affairs Committee) and the Mayor of Calais, Natacha Bouchart.
I actually caught a bit of this encounter live on Sky News and Keith Vaz's Franglais (a mangled version of French and English) really was embarrassingly bad, as if the whole thing had been staged by the now defunct 'Carry On' film team with Kenneth Williams playing the part of Keith Vaz.
Keith Vaz and the Calais mayor: why don’t you allez back to France?
The chairman of the home affairs committee was happy to continue the myth he spoke fluent French
By John Crace - The Guardian
Natacha Bouchart, the mayor of Calais, after answering questions from the home affairs select committee. Photograph: Matt Dunham/AP
“Ordre, ordre. Je veux te – si je peux be so bold – welcomer ici. It is not souvent que the Lady Mayor de Calais gets to meet moi,” said Keith Vaz in the pre-rehearsed speed-dating routine he usually reserves for his mirror. Natacha Bouchart looked startled, as much by the sound of her native language being badly mauled as by the nature of her welcome. She had made the day trip on Eurostar to give evidence to the home affairs committee on immigration only to find herself treated like an illegal immigrant.
“Who is responsible for the crisis in Calais?” Vaz demanded. His question was translated into French and Bouchart replied at length in French. “International events,” said the interpreter. Whatever other nuances Madame Mayor had seen fit to add were for French ears only. Not that Vaz was too bothered because he was happy to continue the myth that he spoke fluent French. “Oui,” he nodded on several occasions. “Certainement. Je couldn’t agree with moi-meme more.”
It gradually dawned on Vaz that Bouchart had no idea just how important he really was so he then sat up just a little bit straighter. “Yesterday, Mr Cameron told me in the House of Commons,” he began. Bouchart gave a whatever shrug and explained why the immigrants in Calais were Britain’s problem. “They don’t want to come to Calais,” she said. “They want to come to Britain because they want your benefits.”
This was too much for Conservative Michael Ellis, a man born to play ARP warden Hodges in Dad’s Army. Having just learned his government was on full “drown before swamping” alert for all illegal immigrants, he wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to bag a Frenchie. “You should look after your own borders,” he yelled, eyeballs quivering with excitement at an encounter with the enemy. “I’m only a mayor, not a president,” she replied, though the French version sounded more like: “Why don’t you sod off, you rude bastard?”
Tory Lorraine Fullbrook also wanted blood. “What are you doing coming here with your problems,” she demanded. “Shouldn’t you be taking them to France and the EU?” Bouchart gently reminded Fullbrook that she had come to London because she had been invited. This left the door open for the normally mild-mannered Julian Huppert, who had spent most of the proceedings Googling himself – something many Lib Dems are now doing to find out if they still exist – to show that he too was tough on immigration. Bouchart batted him away.
When the Labour MP for Dudley North, Ian Austin, suggested Bouchart had built a day centre in Calais to attract more immigrants to Britain, Vaz realised the committee had disintegrated into a free-for-all and came running to her rescue like a rather too flirtatious vampire Sir Galahad. “Je don’t penser que le honourable member was suggesting building un jour centre in Dudley,” he said. Whereupon Austin had a hissy and started shouting it wasn’t a laughing matter.
As the closing credits rolled on this sitcom with Vaz saying, “Thanker toi for venant. Tu is tres gentille,” Bouchart expressed the vain hope that something constructive might come of the proceedings and handed over a press pack about Calais. “Merci,” dit Vaz – putting them straight dans le shreddeur.
“Ordre, ordre. Je veux te – si je peux be so bold – welcomer ici. It is not souvent que the Lady Mayor de Calais gets to meet moi,” said Keith Vaz in the pre-rehearsed speed-dating routine he usually reserves for his mirror. Natacha Bouchart looked startled, as much by the sound of her native language being badly mauled as by the nature of her welcome. She had made the day trip on Eurostar to give evidence to the home affairs committee on immigration only to find herself treated like an illegal immigrant.
“Who is responsible for the crisis in Calais?” Vaz demanded. His question was translated into French and Bouchart replied at length in French. “International events,” said the interpreter. Whatever other nuances Madame Mayor had seen fit to add were for French ears only. Not that Vaz was too bothered because he was happy to continue the myth that he spoke fluent French. “Oui,” he nodded on several occasions. “Certainement. Je couldn’t agree with moi-meme more.”
It gradually dawned on Vaz that Bouchart had no idea just how important he really was so he then sat up just a little bit straighter. “Yesterday, Mr Cameron told me in the House of Commons,” he began. Bouchart gave a whatever shrug and explained why the immigrants in Calais were Britain’s problem. “They don’t want to come to Calais,” she said. “They want to come to Britain because they want your benefits.”
This was too much for Conservative Michael Ellis, a man born to play ARP warden Hodges in Dad’s Army. Having just learned his government was on full “drown before swamping” alert for all illegal immigrants, he wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to bag a Frenchie. “You should look after your own borders,” he yelled, eyeballs quivering with excitement at an encounter with the enemy. “I’m only a mayor, not a president,” she replied, though the French version sounded more like: “Why don’t you sod off, you rude bastard?”
Tory Lorraine Fullbrook also wanted blood. “What are you doing coming here with your problems,” she demanded. “Shouldn’t you be taking them to France and the EU?” Bouchart gently reminded Fullbrook that she had come to London because she had been invited. This left the door open for the normally mild-mannered Julian Huppert, who had spent most of the proceedings Googling himself – something many Lib Dems are now doing to find out if they still exist – to show that he too was tough on immigration. Bouchart batted him away.
When the Labour MP for Dudley North, Ian Austin, suggested Bouchart had built a day centre in Calais to attract more immigrants to Britain, Vaz realised the committee had disintegrated into a free-for-all and came running to her rescue like a rather too flirtatious vampire Sir Galahad. “Je don’t penser que le honourable member was suggesting building un jour centre in Dudley,” he said. Whereupon Austin had a hissy and started shouting it wasn’t a laughing matter.
As the closing credits rolled on this sitcom with Vaz saying, “Thanker toi for venant. Tu is tres gentille,” Bouchart expressed the vain hope that something constructive might come of the proceedings and handed over a press pack about Calais. “Merci,” dit Vaz – putting them straight dans le shreddeur.
