Harry Potter and the Third Way
I wrote this piece for The Scotsman newspaper 16 years ago, but the memories came flooding back as I laughed my head off over the Twitter row between Natalie McGarry MP and the Harry Potter author, JK Rowling.
Harry Potter and the Third Way
The adventures of Harry Potter, boy wizard, are to be portrayed on the silver screen; speculation is rife about who will be cast in the starring roles. Famous names from home and abroad are bandied around as shoo-ins for various parts: Robbie Coltrane, John Cleese and Danny DeVito to name a few. But, as ever, the Holywood moguls are unable to see beyond the end of their noses.
If the casting directors possess real vision, they will sign up the Labour cabinet and some of their chums at Westminster. Tony Blair is Harry Potter to a tee! Raised in a prosperous Tory family, sent away to a fabulous boarding school far from home, finding his heart lay with Labour despite his upbringing and, against all the odds, discovering incredible new powers and a magical force called the Third Way.
John Prescott is a natural for Hagrid, the big boned handyman at Hogwarts School for wizards, witches and warlocks. Hagrid is a decent person, but intellectually challenged, with a strange accent and clumsy in his diction. For good measure, Hagrid has a chip on his shoulder at being thrown out of the wizards finishing school, though he is allowed to stay on doing odd jobs for the senior teachers and headmaster. He has some peculiar habits and can be naughty at times, but he is loved by his masters like an old dog (a sea-dog in Prescott’s case).
Lord Voldemort is Harry’s nemesis and sworn enemy; the leading contender can only be the brooding Gordon Brown. The dark lord has tried already to kill Harry but failed, underestimating the young wizard’s power and strength. Voldemort is forced now to play a long game biding his time to strike the fatal blow, which will allow him and his acolytes to seize power. Voldemort was once the golden child at Hogwarts himself, but his heart has turned cold with jealousy and desire.
Ron Weasley is Harry’s best friend and confidant. A bit earnest and boring, but he always stands up for Harry in confrontations with the school bullies (a metaphor for the press, surely). Step forward, Alistair Campbell, the Prime Minister’s ferocious press secretary and chief spin-doctor. Alistair would swim the channel with an anvil on his back before he would let anyone hurt Tony.
Hermione Granger is the most able pupil in the class, easily outshining Harry and the others. Hermione is popular and universally admired, but she is resented as well. The role seems tailor made for Mo Mowlam, darling of the People’s Party, though somewhat semi-detached according to sources close to No. 10
Draco Malfoy is a super-brat: arrogant, spoiled, deceitful and unpopular. JK Rowling must have met Peter Mandleson in the flesh before creating this character. He is highly intelligent, but his attitude is appalling. Draco is the sort of boy who could cause a fight in an empty room, and usually does. When the going gets rough he shouts on his father for help. Daddy is immensely wealthy and powerful, capable of pulling strings and influencing people: Geoffrey Robinson, or I’m a Dutchman. Peter Mandleson also bears an uncanny resemblance to another character: Gilderoy Lockhart, who takes up a post teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. Gilderoy is a complete phoney, all style and no substance. Talk about life imitating art?
Until recently it would have been difficult to cast William Hague, but his new death-skull look has made all the difference. He would be perfect as one of the Dementors, scary creatures from another world who suck the souls from their enemies with a deadly kiss. The prospect of a Tory fight back is already giving Labour nightmares, but it is fighting back with a Dementor from its own ranks: Jack Straw, home secretary and friend of Mike Tyson, who might be worth auditioning as well.
Robin Cook takes a bit of work, but he is undoubtedly Professor Snape, the potions master. Snape is more complex than he appears, there is more to him than shows on the surface. He is secretive and mysterious. Is he a force for good or for evil? Is he on the left or on the right? Is he a true friend of Harry’s or building bridges secretly with Lord Voldemort and his allies? Is there really such a thing as an ethical foreign policy anyway? Time will tell.
The filmmakers are spoiled for choice with the minor characters: the kindly headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, who takes Harry under his wing, has to be Lord Derry Irvine. The Quidditch referree, Professor MacGonagall, who brooks no nonsense on the playing fields or in class: madam speaker, Betty Boothroyd. Sirius Black, evil villain and Lord Voldemort’ s spy, can only be Charlie Whelan now revelling in an alter ego as professional cheeky chappy and minor radio celeb.
Harry Potter should be essential reading for everyone in politics, especially members of New Labour. Inspiration and ideas jump out from every page. The introduction of a Sorting Hat would avoid all the messy selection contests of recent times. When the first years arrive at Hogwarts they all put on a battered old wizard’s hat (the Sorting Hat) for a special ceremony. The hat can read people’s innermost thoughts and secrets, which it uses to allocate students into year groups. How painless and simple. No more blood on the floor, no more trade union barons fixing things behind the scenes. Denis Canavan and Ken Livingstone can reapply for membership any day now.
The Sorting Hat is the answer to New Labour’s prayers: more fun and a lot less bother than one member one vote, that’s for sure!
Mark Irvine
5 July 2000
