Surprise Winners (15/07/14)
Germany won the World Cup the other night and deservedly so, with a superbly taken injury time winner against Argentina, but Private Eye was also hitting the target with this well aimed barb against FIFA and its decidedly dodgy President, Sepp Blatter.
SURPRISE WINNER OF WORLD CUP
by Phil Sofa
Our Man in Front of a Telly Pretending he is in Rio.
As the trophy was paraded round the stadium, spectators were aghast that the newly-crowned world champions had achieved the impossible by winning a tournament they weren't even in.
Even though the competition is barely through the groups stages, the plucky Qatar team has already been declared a winner, without even kicking a ball.
Fifa President Sepp Blatter said: "Few people had them down as favourites, but they were unbeaten and didn't concede a goal." He continued, "Several important decisions went their way, at the same time as several suitcases of money came our way."
A spokesman for tournament hosts Brazil said, "Even though they got in some good areas, specifically hotel rooms, bars and the Coco-Banana All-night Girls! Girls! Girls! Cocktail Bar, we were surprised they won the trophy instead of us. Fair play to them, though ... Actually, hang on!"
Now just about everyone these days accepts that awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar was a disgraceful decision which can only be explained by the corrupt way in which FIFA goes about its business under Sepp Blatter.
Smiles and Crocodiles (19 November 2011)
And as everyone knows from Peter Pan - you should never smile at a crocodile or treat it as a pet.
Because a crocodile has other things on its mind - which don't include being your life-long best friend.
Now I've never met the FIFA President and consider him an odious character - but that doesn't mean I can't admire the fact that he is a class - if shameless - act.
75-year old Sepp makes a complete arse of himself and the world footballing body - FIFA - with insulting, ridiculous comments on how to deal with abuse and racist behaviour - on the field of play.
Yet as soon as he realises the scale of his PR disaster - Blatter offers a public apology - quicker than the average person can say Strathclyde Fire and Rescue Service.
Next thing you know a South African politician pops up - coincidentally - right out of the blue.
A man with impeccable credentials - a contemporary of Nelson Mandela - a man who spent 13 years on Robben Island - Tokyo Sexwale - to sat that Sepp Blatter 'is not in any way racist'.
Well no one said he is - but how cynical and smart is that?
Because this creates a diversion - breathing space for Sepp Blatter to give another interview in which he offers and humble apology - although he says he won't resign because he's a fighter not a quitter - and is determined to finish his 'mission'.
So I take my hat off to Sepp Blatter.
I don't think he's the person to lead world football - and I do believe FIFA is a thoroughly corrupt organisation.
But you've got to smile at the old croc's chutzpah.
