Fookin' Seagulls
A reader contacted me the other day about the menace presented by Glasgow's seagull population - so I thought I'd republish a few posts on the subject from the blog site archive.
For some reason these foul creatures are a protected species which I find remarkable - but presumably there's nothing to stop councils and suchlike from taking active measures to stop seagulls from nesting in and around where people live.
Fookin' Seagulls (12 August 2001)
I published an article from the Hidden Glasgow web site recently - which had some interesting, if somewhat restrained, things to say about the menace of urban seagulls.
See post dated 6 August 2011 - 'No Mean City'.
But this article also had a number of readers' comments - which made me laugh my head off at the time - and help illustrate why Glasgow is such a funny, crazy place to live.
Even though the city has more than its fair share of seagulls.
Remember - the context of the 'discussion' is how to get rid of these killer birds.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by crazygray23
purchase a bird of prey, seagulls are scared shitless by them.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Doorstop
Yeah, I'm popping out to ASDA this morning for a spare Eagle, a replacement Buzzard and a half a pound of Sparrowhawk.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Reenie Bujman
I'm going to dress up as Wile E. Coyote and use a giant Acme vacuum cleaner to hoover them out of the sky.
(It's quiet on the ward this morning...)
I published an article from the Hidden Glasgow web site recently - which had some interesting, if somewhat restrained, things to say about the menace of urban seagulls.
See post dated 6 August 2011 - 'No Mean City'.
But this article also had a number of readers' comments - which made me laugh my head off at the time - and help illustrate why Glasgow is such a funny, crazy place to live.
Even though the city has more than its fair share of seagulls.
Remember - the context of the 'discussion' is how to get rid of these killer birds.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by crazygray23
purchase a bird of prey, seagulls are scared shitless by them.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Doorstop
Yeah, I'm popping out to ASDA this morning for a spare Eagle, a replacement Buzzard and a half a pound of Sparrowhawk.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Reenie Bujman
I'm going to dress up as Wile E. Coyote and use a giant Acme vacuum cleaner to hoover them out of the sky.
(It's quiet on the ward this morning...)
See post dated 6 August 2011 - 'No Mean City'.
But this article also had a number of readers' comments - which made me laugh my head off at the time - and help illustrate why Glasgow is such a funny, crazy place to live.
Even though the city has more than its fair share of seagulls.
Remember - the context of the 'discussion' is how to get rid of these killer birds.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by crazygray23
purchase a bird of prey, seagulls are scared shitless by them.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Doorstop
Yeah, I'm popping out to ASDA this morning for a spare Eagle, a replacement Buzzard and a half a pound of Sparrowhawk.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Reenie Bujman
I'm going to dress up as Wile E. Coyote and use a giant Acme vacuum cleaner to hoover them out of the sky.
(It's quiet on the ward this morning...)
No Mean City (6 August 2001)
Here's an article on the 'gull menace' from a social networking site - Urban Glasgow.
The interesting point I take from this is the important role of Glasgow City Council - which has witnessed a rise in complaints apparently - but nowhere have I read about what the council is doing to tackle the problems caused by seagulls.
For example, the council still operates a 'black bag' collection system in parts of the city centre - which must be the equivalent of an 'open buffet' to these killer birds.
Which go on to attack defenceless little kittens it would seem - which is another big nail in their coffin - because everybody loves a defenceless kitten.
Glasgow City Council has come up with some serious policies recently - to address anti-social behaviour - when it comes to dropping litter and dog-poo.
Offenders - human ones, of course - can now be heavily fined for making a mess of our streets.
So why not turn the heat up on our feathered friends - and show that Glasgow really is No Mean City - when it comes to dirty, smelly, noisy and aggressive gulls.
Now where's my councillor's e-mail address?
Urban Glasgow
"They raise the hackles of urban and seaside dwellers like no other members of the animal kingdom. Seagulls snatch take-away food, keep people awake at night with their squawking and litter the streets with their droppings.
In Glasgow, gull numbers have boomed in the past 25 years thanks mainly to the explosion in fast-food outlets and the city council say the number of complaints about the menace birds are rising.
In some cities they have become such a pest house prices have fallen where they congregate and residents have shot them to keep numbers down.
Attacks on humans have taken place in scenes reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.
A Glasgow City Council spokesman admitted today: "Our public health unit has seen a rise in complaints about the behaviour of seagulls and some of the problems that they can cause over recent years, mainly noise, aggression, faeces and also birds disturbing refuse."
Recent incidents have shown that nothing is safe from the marauders of the sky.
At last weekend's Glasgow Show a bird of prey was chased by what onlookers described as a "gang" of up to 50 angry gulls.
The gyr falcon failed to return to its handler after it had been "dive-bombed". But it was found safely two days later on a roof at the city's Victoria Infirmary and returned to handler Gary Swainson.
At the Faslane naval base, sailors watched in astonishment as Blackie the kitten was snatched from its mother and then dropped onto a barbed wire fence by a menacing gull. The five-week-old feline required stitches to its paw.
And, in Dumfries, a couple told of how they're prisoners in their own home due to a gull nesting in their roof.
The crazed two-winged assassin swoops and excrements on Anthony and Margaret Culshaw continuously - and it's even ambushed their car. The kitten's attacker, a black-backed gull, is one of two large gull species to have moved from their traditional coastal feeding grounds to city centres.
The other - the herring gull - can grow to 27 inches long and has a maximum wing span of 63 inches, making it a fearsome predator."
The interesting point I take from this is the important role of Glasgow City Council - which has witnessed a rise in complaints apparently - but nowhere have I read about what the council is doing to tackle the problems caused by seagulls.
For example, the council still operates a 'black bag' collection system in parts of the city centre - which must be the equivalent of an 'open buffet' to these killer birds.
Which go on to attack defenceless little kittens it would seem - which is another big nail in their coffin - because everybody loves a defenceless kitten.
Glasgow City Council has come up with some serious policies recently - to address anti-social behaviour - when it comes to dropping litter and dog-poo.
Offenders - human ones, of course - can now be heavily fined for making a mess of our streets.
So why not turn the heat up on our feathered friends - and show that Glasgow really is No Mean City - when it comes to dirty, smelly, noisy and aggressive gulls.
Now where's my councillor's e-mail address?
Urban Glasgow
"They raise the hackles of urban and seaside dwellers like no other members of the animal kingdom. Seagulls snatch take-away food, keep people awake at night with their squawking and litter the streets with their droppings.
In Glasgow, gull numbers have boomed in the past 25 years thanks mainly to the explosion in fast-food outlets and the city council say the number of complaints about the menace birds are rising.
In some cities they have become such a pest house prices have fallen where they congregate and residents have shot them to keep numbers down.
Attacks on humans have taken place in scenes reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.
A Glasgow City Council spokesman admitted today: "Our public health unit has seen a rise in complaints about the behaviour of seagulls and some of the problems that they can cause over recent years, mainly noise, aggression, faeces and also birds disturbing refuse."
Recent incidents have shown that nothing is safe from the marauders of the sky.
At last weekend's Glasgow Show a bird of prey was chased by what onlookers described as a "gang" of up to 50 angry gulls.
The gyr falcon failed to return to its handler after it had been "dive-bombed". But it was found safely two days later on a roof at the city's Victoria Infirmary and returned to handler Gary Swainson.
At the Faslane naval base, sailors watched in astonishment as Blackie the kitten was snatched from its mother and then dropped onto a barbed wire fence by a menacing gull. The five-week-old feline required stitches to its paw.
And, in Dumfries, a couple told of how they're prisoners in their own home due to a gull nesting in their roof.
The crazed two-winged assassin swoops and excrements on Anthony and Margaret Culshaw continuously - and it's even ambushed their car. The kitten's attacker, a black-backed gull, is one of two large gull species to have moved from their traditional coastal feeding grounds to city centres.
The other - the herring gull - can grow to 27 inches long and has a maximum wing span of 63 inches, making it a fearsome predator."
Seagulls Don't Drink or Smoke (22 July 2011)
Seagulls are my least favourite creatures in the world- by a mile.
To my mind they are the vermin of the skies - and for the life of me I can't understand why they are a protected species.
Now my grievances against gulls are many, varied and deeply held - so let's get a few of their worst characteristics on the record.
Seagulls are highly aggressive, territorial birds that live in towns and cities these days - they make their living by plundering people's rubbish - and by robbing their smaller avian cousins such as magpies.
Seagulls are not possessed of a lovely call or birdsong - instead they squawk and screech raucously - at all hours of the day and night - and without any regard to their neighbours or the noise pollution by-laws.
Worse still - if they have a chick - the ugly, fledgling bird follows its parents around for weeks on end - whistling incessantly as it begs for food.
In Glasgow these foul creatures spread rubbish everywhere littering the streets - crapping on everyone as the go - and seem to live on a diet of chips and half-eaten kebabs.
But they don't drink or smoke - as far as I can tell - so maybe that's the secret of their longevity and success.
As soon as I become Prime Minister - or even the leader of Glasgow City Council - I am going to campaign for a new law to rid us of these pests.
In a humane fashion of course - even though the demons inside me want to exact a terrible revenge.
What's needed is a policy and plan for removing their eggs - replacing them with false eggs - because the birds are too stupid to know any different.
And before you know it - a whole generation or two of gulls get wiped out - and peace and calm is restored to our city centres.
To my mind they are the vermin of the skies - and for the life of me I can't understand why they are a protected species.
Now my grievances against gulls are many, varied and deeply held - so let's get a few of their worst characteristics on the record.
Seagulls are highly aggressive, territorial birds that live in towns and cities these days - they make their living by plundering people's rubbish - and by robbing their smaller avian cousins such as magpies.
Seagulls are not possessed of a lovely call or birdsong - instead they squawk and screech raucously - at all hours of the day and night - and without any regard to their neighbours or the noise pollution by-laws.
Worse still - if they have a chick - the ugly, fledgling bird follows its parents around for weeks on end - whistling incessantly as it begs for food.
In Glasgow these foul creatures spread rubbish everywhere littering the streets - crapping on everyone as the go - and seem to live on a diet of chips and half-eaten kebabs.
But they don't drink or smoke - as far as I can tell - so maybe that's the secret of their longevity and success.
As soon as I become Prime Minister - or even the leader of Glasgow City Council - I am going to campaign for a new law to rid us of these pests.
In a humane fashion of course - even though the demons inside me want to exact a terrible revenge.
What's needed is a policy and plan for removing their eggs - replacing them with false eggs - because the birds are too stupid to know any different.
And before you know it - a whole generation or two of gulls get wiped out - and peace and calm is restored to our city centres.
