Police Log

My favourite piece in the latest Private Eye is a spoof Police Log - which takes a wry  look at some recent events - involving the not so heroic actions of PC Plod in tasering a blind man - whom they mistook for a dangerous criminal carrying a samurai sword.

"POLICE LOG"

Neasden Central Police Station

0930 hrs
All officers attend pot-Hillsborough training workshope. First module: the importance of not falsifying evidence in police notebooks, particularly if one is likely to get caught out 20 years later.

1015 hrs
Armed response unit (PCs Barnet and Hainult) summoned to Asda Grove following reports that a suspect, dressed as a Jedi knight and armed with a light sabre, was running amok amongst shoppers in the new Mo Farah shopping precinct. Suspect was successfully brought down by a 50,000-volt charge from PC Hainault's taser. PC Barnet then handcuffed the suecpt and forced him to the gorund, while PC Hainault gave him another 50,000-vlot charge to ensure that law and order prevailed.

1045 hrs
Suspect in Asda Grove inciodent tries to register his complaint with Desk Sergeant Willesden and claims that he is blind and that his 'light sabre' was a white stick. Desk Sergeant Willesden gives him a further charge of 100,000 volts for wasting police time.

1224 hrs
All officers report to Slug and Lettuce public house in Neasen High Street to celebarte the removal from public office of a Mr Andrew Mitchell, formerly a Cabinet minister in Her majesty's Government. INpsector Blackfriars of the Police Federation gave the toast to " a great day in the history of Britain's police service". Officer were served with an amusing new cocktail devised for the occasion, called "The Plebs' Revenge" This consisted of three parts whisky and four parts methylated spirits. A most enjoyable afternoon was had by all.

1800 hrs
Station closed for the night due to unfortunate indisposition of all officers. Messages on station answerphone recorded various minor incidents of arson, rape, murder and terrorist activity in the borough. Sadly, there will be no time to investigate these further, as all officers are to join five thousand strong nationwide force as part of "Operation Missed Bus" to gather evidence as to whether the late Sir James Savile should be exhumed and charged with various acts of paedophilia, necorphilia and bougainvillea."  

Banzai! (18 October 2012)

I know it's not really funny.But I nearly died laughing at the story of a blind man - Colin Farmer (61) from Chorley in Lancashire - who was shot in the back by police with a 50,000 volt Taser after they mistook his white stick for a samurai sword.

Now I'm not an expert on the rules of engagement for the police to follow before using a Taser - but I presume that a degree of common sense must be involved.For example that someone's safety and well-being must be in imminent danger before the police can unleash 50,000 volts of electricity into a fellow citizen.

Apparently Mr Farmer was on his way to meet friends at 5.45pm and was walking in Peter Street near a restaurant - when the police came calling."I was just walking along and I heard some men shouting really angrily and thought I'm going to get mugged. I didn't know any police were here.

The Taser hit me in the back and it started sending all these thousands of volts through me and I was terrified. I mean I had two strokes already caused by stress. I dropped the stick involuntarily and I collapsed on the floor face down.

I was shaking and I thought 'I'm going to have another stroke any second and this one is going to kill me. I'm being killed. I'm being killed.

I walk at a snail's pace. They could have walked past me, driven past me in a van or said 'drop your weapon'."Mr Farmer spent two months in hospital earlier this year following a stroke and was fearful he would suffer another attack.Lancashire Police have now apologised to Mr Farmer for the "traumatic experience" - but confirmed last night that the officer who fired the Taser has not been suspended and remains on active duty.

Which seems incredible to me because the officer involved could have badly injured or even killed this poor man - so I hope he sues them for every penny he can.The other thing that surprised me about this story is that we haven't heard a word out of the Police Federation (police trade union) - no details of the case have been leaked to the press or media - the PF appears to have gone tight-lipped for once.

I wonder why - but in order to help the police with any future enquiries in future I have posted an image of what a man with a Samurai sword looks like.