Ed to Ed
Michael Deacon, sketch writer for The Telegraph, pokes fun at Ed Miliband's curious speaking style and the prospect of the Labour leader debating himself in the run-up to the general election on 7 May.
Now that's one 'ed to 'ed I'd pay good money to see.
Forget David Cameron. The broadcasters should let Ed Miliband debate himself
As the Prime Minister backs out of a one-on-one TV debate with the Labour leader, Michael Deacon imagines how the debate might go without him
Ed Miliband, the leader of the Labour Party Photo: Eddie Mulholland
By Michael Deacon - The Telegraph
Scene: a television studio. Ed Miliband stands alone behind a lectern.
Jeremy Paxman: Good evening. This was supposed to be a debate between David Cameron and Ed Miliband, but, as the Prime Minister is busy washing his hair, the Labour leader has instead agreed to debate himself. Mr Miliband.
Ed Miliband: Thanks, Jeremy. Good to be with you! I just want to kick off by asking myself an important question. Ed, what personal qualities do you possess that would, in your view, make you a good prime minister?
Ed Miliband: Thanks, Ed. Great question! But look. I want to be very clear about this. I think the question you’ve asked is a really important question to ask, because the question you’ve asked is really important, and asking it is really important, too. But the question is, what is the answer to that question? That’s a really important question, and it’s a question I’ll certainly be looking at over the course of the next parliament.
Ed Miliband: Thanks, Ed. Glad you’ve been so clear on that really important question! But look, I’d really like to turn to another issue, and that’s the issue of the everyday working people who live up and down this country. Ed, what’s your view of the everyday working people who live up and down this country?
Ed Miliband: Thanks, Ed. I’m glad you’ve asked me about that issue, because that issue lies right at the heart of the issue I want to talk about. As you know, a tremendous number of everyday working people live up and down this country. And, through listening to those everyday working people, as I go knocking on the doors of their decent, ordinary houses, I’ve learnt a tremendous amount about their concerns. And what everyday working people up and down this country are saying to us in the Labour Party is: “Who are you?” And: “Have you come to read the meter?” And: “No thanks, I never order anything from the Betterware catalogue.” And I think it’s really important that we listen to those concerns and take them on board.
Ed Miliband: Thanks, Ed. I wonder whether we could talk about Scotland. The latest polling suggests that the Labour Party is about to lose almost every single one of its seats to the SNP. What’s your response to that?
Ed Miliband: Thanks, Ed. I’m glad you’ve asked me that question. Let me put it like this. If you’re asking me, “What do I think of this morning’s news that actress June Whitfield is to join the cast of EastEnders?”, then I’ve got to say to you: I think it’s tremendous news, June Whitfield is a national treasure loved by everyday working viewers up and down this country, and I’m already looking forward to being told what to say about her performance by my advisers.
Ed Miliband: Thanks, Ed. Just one more question, if I may. Why do you think David Cameron refused to take part in this televised debate tonight?
Ed Miliband: Thanks, Ed. I think the answer to that question is clear. David Cameron is running scared of debating me. And I think tonight we’ve shown why.
