Aggressive Seagulls
Seagulls Don't Drink or Smoke (22 July 2011)
Seagulls are my least favourite creatures in the world - by a mile.
To my mind they are the vermin of the skies - and for the life of me I can't understand why they are a protected species.
Now my grievances against gulls are many, varied and deeply held - so let's get a few of their worst characteristics on the record.
Seagulls are highly aggressive, territorial birds that live in towns and cities these days - they make their living by plundering people's rubbish - and by robbing their smaller avian cousins such as magpies.
Seagulls are not possessed of a lovely call or birdsong - instead they squawk and screech raucously - at all hours of the day and night - and without any regard to their neighbours or the noise pollution by-laws.
Worse still - if they have a chick - the ugly, fledgling bird follows its parents around for weeks on end - whistling incessantly as it begs for food.
In Glasgow these foul creatures spread rubbish everywhere littering the streets - crapping on everyone as the go - and seem to live on a diet of chips and half-eaten kebabs.
But they don't drink or smoke - as far as I can tell - so maybe that's the secret of their longevity and success.
As soon as I become Prime Minister - or even the leader of Glasgow City Council - I am going to campaign for a new law to rid us of these pests.
In a humane fashion of course - even though the demons inside me want to exact a terrible revenge.
What's needed is a policy and plan for removing their eggs - replacing them with false eggs - because the birds are too stupid to know any different.
And before you know it - a whole generation or two of gulls get wiped out - and peace and calm is restored to our city centres.
To my mind they are the vermin of the skies - and for the life of me I can't understand why they are a protected species.
Now my grievances against gulls are many, varied and deeply held - so let's get a few of their worst characteristics on the record.
Seagulls are highly aggressive, territorial birds that live in towns and cities these days - they make their living by plundering people's rubbish - and by robbing their smaller avian cousins such as magpies.
Seagulls are not possessed of a lovely call or birdsong - instead they squawk and screech raucously - at all hours of the day and night - and without any regard to their neighbours or the noise pollution by-laws.
Worse still - if they have a chick - the ugly, fledgling bird follows its parents around for weeks on end - whistling incessantly as it begs for food.
In Glasgow these foul creatures spread rubbish everywhere littering the streets - crapping on everyone as the go - and seem to live on a diet of chips and half-eaten kebabs.
But they don't drink or smoke - as far as I can tell - so maybe that's the secret of their longevity and success.
As soon as I become Prime Minister - or even the leader of Glasgow City Council - I am going to campaign for a new law to rid us of these pests.
In a humane fashion of course - even though the demons inside me want to exact a terrible revenge.
What's needed is a policy and plan for removing their eggs - replacing them with false eggs - because the birds are too stupid to know any different.
And before you know it - a whole generation or two of gulls get wiped out - and peace and calm is restored to our city centres.
Fookin' Seagulls
I published an article from the Hidden Glasgow web site recently - which had some interesting, if somewhat restrained, things to say about the menace of urban seagulls.
See post dated 6 August 2011 - 'No Mean City'.
But this article also had a number of readers' comments - which made me laugh my head off at the time - and help illustrate why Glasgow is such a funny, crazy place to live.
Even though the city has more than its fair share of seagulls.
Remember - the context of the 'discussion' is how to get rid of these killer birds.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by crazygray23
purchase a bird of prey, seagulls are scared shitless by them.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Doorstop
Yeah, I'm popping out to ASDA this morning for a spare Eagle, a replacement Buzzard and a half a pound of Sparrowhawk.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Reenie Bujman
I'm going to dress up as Wile E. Coyote and use a giant Acme vacuum cleaner to hoover them out of the sky.
(It's quiet on the ward this morning...)
See post dated 6 August 2011 - 'No Mean City'.
But this article also had a number of readers' comments - which made me laugh my head off at the time - and help illustrate why Glasgow is such a funny, crazy place to live.
Even though the city has more than its fair share of seagulls.
Remember - the context of the 'discussion' is how to get rid of these killer birds.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by crazygray23
purchase a bird of prey, seagulls are scared shitless by them.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Doorstop
Yeah, I'm popping out to ASDA this morning for a spare Eagle, a replacement Buzzard and a half a pound of Sparrowhawk.
Re: Fookin seagulls
by Reenie Bujman
I'm going to dress up as Wile E. Coyote and use a giant Acme vacuum cleaner to hoover them out of the sky.
(It's quiet on the ward this morning...)
