Monday, 2 January 2017

City Dwellers

I was with Sir David Attenbourough all the way with his stunning new Planet Earth II series, until the final episode that is which looked at the changing face of animal life in the cities.
Now I though the Bowerbird sequence was absolutely top class; the line about the problems  of finding avian 'Sex in the City' was worth the BBC licence fee alone.

And while I can understand the charm of cheeky monkeys, peregrine falcons and even the odd murderous leopard for the life of me I can't see how anyone puts up with Seagulls in their midst, or Fookin' Seagulls to give them their Glaswegian name.

Even the common or garden Starling puts on an amazing display before roosting for the night and crapping all over everyone's cars.

But the Seagull is just a vile, ugly, noisy, smelly menace and I'm sad to say Sir David, with all due respect, that I don't think I'll lose any sleep if the genus Larus Argentatus becomes extinct anytime soon.


Seagulls Don't Drink or Smoke (22 July 2011)

Image result for kebab stealing gulls

Seagulls are my least favourite creatures in the world, by a mile.

To my mind they are the vermin of the skies and for the life of me I can't understand why they are a protected species.

Now my grievances against gulls are many, varied and deeply held, so let's get a few of their worst characteristics on the record.

Seagulls are highly aggressive, territorial birds that live in towns and cities these days - they make their living by plundering people's rubbish - and by robbing their smaller avian cousins such as magpies.

Seagulls are not possessed of a lovely call or birdsong, instead they squawk and screech raucously, at all hours of the day and night, and without any regard to their neighbours or the noise pollution by-laws.

Worse still, if they have a chick, the ugly, fledgling bird follows its parents around for weeks on end whistling incessantly as it begs for food.

In Glasgow these foul creatures spread rubbish everywhere littering the streets crapping on everyone as the go and seem to live on a diet of chips and half-eaten kebabs.

But they don't drink or smoke as far as I can tell, so maybe that's the secret of their longevity and success.

As soon as I become Prime Minister or even the leader of Glasgow City Council I am going to campaign for a new law to rid us of these pests.

In a humane fashion of course even though the demons inside me want to exact a terrible revenge.

What's needed is a policy and plan for removing their eggs replacing them with false eggs - because the birds are too stupid to know any different.

And before you know it a whole generation or two of gulls get wiped out and peace and calm is restored to our city centres.

Fookin' Seagulls

I published an article from the Hidden Glasgow web site recently -which had some interesting, if somewhat restrained, things to say about the menace of urban seagulls.

See post dated 6 August 2011 - 'No Mean City'.

But this article also had a number of readers' comments which made me laugh my head off at the time and help illustrate why Glasgow is such a funny, crazy place to live.

Even though the city has more than its fair share of seagulls.

Remember, the context of the 'discussion' is how to get rid of these killer birds. 

Re: Fookin seagulls

by crazygray23

purchase a bird of prey, seagulls are scared shitless by them.

Re: Fookin seagulls

by Doorstop

Yeah, I'm popping out to ASDA this morning for a spare Eagle, a replacement Buzzard and a half a pound of Sparrowhawk.

Re: Fookin seagulls

by Reenie Bujman

I'm going to dress up as Wile E. Coyote and use a giant Acme vacuum cleaner to hoover them out of the sky.

(It's quiet on the ward this morning...)