Down the Toilet (02/06/15)

David Simonds 31/05/2015.


The Sunday Times published an apt cartoon on the contempt that Sepp Blatter and FIFA are held in today with their reputations in the toilet.

Surprise Winners (15/07/14)


Germany won the World Cup the other night and deservedly so, with a superbly taken injury time winner against Argentina, but Private Eye was also hitting the target with this well aimed barb against FIFA and its decidedly dodgy President, Sepp Blatter.


SURPRISE WINNER OF WORLD CUP

by Phil Sofa 

Our Man in Front of a Telly Pretending he is in Rio.


The world of football was rocked to its foundations when the coveted trophy was held aloft by the surprise winners of the 2014 competition, Qatar.

As the trophy was paraded round the stadium, spectators were aghast that the newly-crowned world champions had achieved the impossible by winning a tournament they weren't even in.

Even though the competition is barely through the groups stages, the plucky Qatar team has already been declared a winner, without even kicking a ball.

Fifa President Sepp Blatter said: "Few people had them down as favourites, but they were unbeaten and didn't concede a goal." He continued, "Several important decisions went their way, at the same time as several suitcases of money came out way."

A spokesman for tournament hosts Brazil said, "Even though they got in some good areas, specifically hotel rooms, bars and the Coco-Banana All-night Girls! Girls! Girls! Cocktail Bar, we were surprised they won the trophy instead of us. Fair play to them, though ... Actually, hang on!"       

Now just about everyone these days accepts that awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar was a disgraceful decision which can only be explained by the corrupt way in which FIFA goes about its business under Sepp Blatter.  

Smiles and Crocodiles (19/11/11)

Whenever I see FIFA President Sepp Blatter on TV my mind turns him into a crocodile.

And as everyone knows from Peter Pan, you should never smile at a crocodile or treat it as a pet.

Because a crocodile has other things on its mind which don't include being your life-long best friend.

Now I've never met the FIFA President and consider him an odious character, but that doesn't mean I can't admire the fact that he is a class, if shameless, act.

75-year old Sepp makes a complete arse of himself and the world footballing body FIFA with insulting, ridiculous comments on how to deal with abuse and racist behaviour on the field of play.

Yet as soon as he realises the scale of his PR disaster, Blatter offers a public apology quicker than the average person can say Strathclyde Fire and Rescue Service.

Next thing you know a South African politician pops up, coincidentally, right out of the blue.

A man with impeccable credentials, a contemporary of Nelson Mandela, a man who spent 13 years on Robben Island, Tokyo Sexwale, to sat that Sepp Blatter 'is not in any way racist'.

Well no one said he is - but how cynical and smart is that?

Because this creates a diversion breathing space for Sepp Blatter to give another interview in which he offers and humble apology although he says he won't resign because he's a fighter not a quitter and is determined to finish his 'mission'.

So I take my hat off to Sepp Blatter.

I don't think he's the person to lead world football and I do  believe FIFA is a thoroughly corrupt organisation.

But you've got to smile at the old croc's chutzpah.

Sepp 'Hot Pants' Blatter (04/0611)

I find it hard to stop thinking and writing about Captain Sepp Blatter (75 ) and his good ship, the SS FIFA.

At the FIFA congress in Zurich last week after he had been re-elected for a fourth term as President, Captain Blatter, thinking on his feet, asked delegates if they would like a 'woman' on the FIFA executive committee.

Now I haven't even bothered to check, but I presume this was because there were no women elected to the FIFA executive committee in their own right - at the 2011 congress.

So, having a token woman co-opted on to the executive committee would presumably make FIFA look good or better - in some people's eyes at least.

"Not a decision, just a suggestion, what do you think?", Captain Blatter enquired of  the assembled delegates.

And to their collective shame many of them started to clap and applaud his barmy idea.

A token woman bolted on as a complete afterthought to the the World Footballing  organisation, just what the game needs. 

Now Captain Blatter has form in this area when asked before about encouraging greater interest in women's football, he suggested that women players should wear 'tighter shorts'.

Creepy or what?

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