Knickers to Flags
Jeremy Clarkson is still in 'limbo' after his fall from grace with Top Gear, but the nation's favourite 'petrolhead' shows he his ability to write a funny and interesting opinion column is as sharp as ever.
By Jeremy Clarkson - The Sunday Times
Last weekend a chap draped himself in the flag of Isis and, with a young girl on his shoulders, went for a walk past the Houses of Parliament. Onlookers were, we’re told, a bit surprised by this brazen act, but the police decided that he hadn’t actually committed an offence and allowed him to carry on.
Naturally the incident caused a great deal of wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Daily Express, with many horrified readers asking what would happen if they went about their business draped in a swastika.
The answer, distressingly, is “not much”. Because flag-flying in most of Britain doesn’t really trouble the forces of law and order. You want to decorate your Uber cab’s dashboard with the flag of Pakistan, or hang a gay pride emblem from the window of your amazingly well-furnished apartment in Brighton? Well, go right ahead.
Oh, and if you feel moved to set fire to the Union Jack in the middle of Parliament Square, that’s allowed too. You can’t urinate on it, though, because then you’d be prosecuted for displaying your penis.
Elsewhere in the world, flags are a rather more serious business. If you were to damage the national flag in France, for example, you would be in a lot of bother. It’s the same story in Germany. In Greece, if you argue with a policeman, he will arrest you for insulting the flag. I know this from personal experience.
Most countries have extremely strict rules on how a flag can be displayed. In America, for example, you can fly the state flag if you wish, but it has to be to the right of the Stars and Stripes, and it can’t be bigger or brighter or in a better condition.
And if a hotel wishes to demonstrate its international credentials by flying the flags of many nations outside its reception area, the Stars and Stripes must be raised first and lowered last. But it must never be allowed to touch the ground.
Flying it upside down is a really serious business, a point demonstrated with much poignancy in the recent House of Cards series. Do that and you’re telling the world that the country is broken and urgent help is needed. But only the Philippines will come to your aid because that’s the only country that recognises an upside down flag as an actual distress symbol. Everyone else sticks with things such as flares and people rushing about shouting, “Help. Help. I’m on fire.”
There was a huge brouhaha in America last week after the state of South Carolina decided, in the wake of the racially motivated church shootings, to stop flying the Confederate flag.
Its fans are horrified. “Yes,” they cried. “We know that the young man who shot all those people in that church was photographed holding the flag in question, but we want to fly it so that we are constantly reminded that our side lost and that today we are slavery enthusiasts with a penchant for attack dogs and unnecessarily noisy cars.”
It’s strange, isn’t it? A flag is only a bit of material fluttering in the breeze, but it’s seen all over the world as a powerful symbol of pride and history. Someone could have an iPhone 6 in his pocket and a Google Nest “smart home” system indoors, but present him with a flag and he comes over all dewy-eyed and medieval. And it’s hard to see why, because the idea of a national emblem didn’t really get any traction until the middle of the 18th century.
Yes, Denmark’s was around 400 years before that, but Afghanistan has changed its national flag nearly two dozen times in the past hundred years. And how can the people of Romania get exercised about their flag when it’s exactly the same as Chad’s?
You certainly need to be very careful when you’re in Canada, because its rules about the Maple Leaf are long and complicated. You can’t, for instance, use it to make a cushion or a seat cover. You can’t sign it or mark it in any way. And you are advised not to use it for decorative purposes.
In India it’s even more complicated. The national flag may not be made from synthetic materials and can be used for carrying nothing except petals. And if you drop it in a puddle then you have to go to prison for a year.
Things are a bit different in Britain, of course. You can turn it into a T-shirt or a pair of knickers. You can write on it and, as the Sex Pistols demonstrated, use it to mock Mrs Queen.
However, things get tricky if you want to actually put it on a flagpole, because then you are immersed in a world of bureaucracy, health, safety and planning permission issues. For example, you can fly a flag on the roof of your building but not — at least without consent — if you are already flying one from a pole projecting from the wall. It doesn’t say why.
Furthermore, you can’t have a flagpole that is more than 15ft tall. And you can erect it only after you’ve convinced the local health and safety executive that nobody could be injured as a result. Quite how anyone could be injured by a flagpole, I don’t know, but those are the rules.
You can, if you wish, drape an English flag from the window of your council house, but only if you are prepared to find yourself being taunted on the internet by various Labour politicians. And while you are allowed to burn your flag as a protest, you may be prosecuted if it’s made from synthetic materials, as they will give off a toxic smoke.
The upshot is, then, that you can walk about London wrapped in an Isis flag and you can use a Union Jack to wipe your bottom. And if you fly it upside down, the only people who’ll complain are a few elderly pedants in Tunbridge Wells.
But if you want to fly our national flag, the right way up, from the roof of your house, it’s not worth the bother.
